Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Saying Nothing

Nothing - noun, 1. no thing; not anything; naught 2. no part, share or trace 3. something that is nonexistent.


     I can say honestly that I have been dealt a very nice hand in life. A family that loves me, a good education and by most definitions a path pretty similar to the American dream. But in what equation do those things add up to happiness. Well not mine evidently. I think the worst struggle a girl will ever face in her life is feeling unwanted. There is no end to the lengths we as females will go to in order to achieve that ever elusive status, of proudly wearing the badge of someone who is wanted. It boils down to our desire to be loved. But we just don't want love. Oh no. We want the people in our life to prove it. And the way we measure their love is how much they show they want us. It sounds silly to say we keep score but come on lets admit it ladies. We do. We want our girlfriends to choose us as their maid of honor, we want our parents to be more proud of us than our siblings, and most of all we want our significant other to sacrifice something they want as a token of how much they will do for us, how much they want us. 


     But these are all internal desires. Something we would never voice out loud. Unless maybe in the quiet stillness after the lights are turned out and our best friend is listening half asleep. Why is it so hard to just say what is on one's mind? Instead of playing games and second guessing. In those quiet moments when my thoughts are just screaming at me inside my head, I choose to say... nothing. Not a word. It's as if uttering just one word of the chaos inside me will unleash a storm on the house of cards I've tried so hard to protect. In those moments when all I want to say is show me you love me. Something holds me back. Is it the fear that the answer will be something I know but am desperately trying to avoid. Maybe so. But is that enough reason to say nothing.

2 comments:

  1. Maybe its because you feel it would mean less if you asked for it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hmmm....
    This is all so true for humans.
    And especially for you right now.

    ReplyDelete